Kendall and Kylie Jenner
Shutterstock

Celeb Authors Who Shouldn’t Quit Their Day Jobs

Famous celebs really like writing their own books, but perhaps these stars shouldn't have!
Author
Article Tags
Share
Share on facebook
Share on twitter
Share on linkedin
Share on reddit
Share on pinterest
The Latest
Tonic Topics
Join the Convo on Facebook!

There are many celebrities that have written books over the years. Especially in recent years, it feels like just about every star has a book. While most of them tend to be memoirs, there are others who have tried their hand at fiction, too.

In some cases, celebrities have certainly surprised us with just how good their books are. Carrie Fisher’s Postcards From the Edge will always be a gleaming example of this. Former professional basketball player Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is also a celebrated author, having written tons of best-selling books, both fiction and non-fiction.

Some celebs have no business writing a book, though. From bland, uninspiring lives to a lack of creativity or writing skill, there are plenty of reasons why these folks should have stepped away from the publisher. And I’m not pointing any fingers here (Snooki), but some of these authors admittedly don’t even read all that much.

These are the highly questionable, very cringeworthy celeb books that you won’t believe actually exist.

A Mother’s Gift by Lynne and Britney Spears

Britney Spears
Shutterstock

We’re all anxiously awaiting that tell-all from Britney Spears now that she’s free from her conservatorship, but she actually already helped write a book or two. A Mother’s Gift was the first one written by Spears and her mom about a 14-year-old girl from a rural town who gets accepted on scholarship into an exclusive performing arts school. You could say it was loosely based on Britney’s life.

L.A. Candy by Lauren Conrad

Lauren Conrad has a few lifestyle books filled with fashion tips, beauty, and makeup pointers, and even an essential guide to entertaining. As someone dubbed a “lifestyle and fashion icon,” this makes sense. However, Conrad has also jumped into the fiction section, too. The storyline of L.A. Candy really shows off her creative side. It’s about Jane Roberts, who moves to L.A. for an internship and finds herself starring in a reality TV show. That sounds a lot like Conrad’s real life, doesn’t it?

Vanna Speaks by Vanna White

Have you ever watched Wheel of Fortune and wondered about the woman behind the letter spinning? If so, Vanna White wrote Vanna Speaks to give you a peek. It was written back in 1987, but I’m not sure a lot has changed since then since she’s still turning those letters. This book is full of thrilling tidbits, like diet tips and how she does sit-ups to stay fit. All in all, it’s a pleasant story – but not really thrilling or unique enough for a published book.

The Perfect Letter: A Novel by Chris Harrison

Chris Harrison
Shutterstock

Bachelor host Chris Harrison was so inspired by all his years hosting the dating show and watching those people try to make love connections. So inspired, in fact, he wrote his own romance novel. It’s supposedly a must-read for Bachelor fans and hopeless romantics. That’s about as true as reality TV is real. Anyway, the book is about a rich lady who has to choose between her rich, boring fiance and another guy she likes that’s stubborn and they fight sometimes.

Modelland by Tyra Banks

Tyra Banks
Shutterstock

Tyra Banks is apparently really terrible at coming up with character names because her heroine is named Tookie De La Crème. I just needed to get that out of the way first. Wait, I should also mention she has “mismatched eyes” and a “large forehead.” So, all that said, Tookie is invited to attend a legendary boarding school for elite models called Modelland. She has to survive Catwalk Corridor and Thigh High Boot Camp in an effort to become a member of the Intoxibellas (???). I have no idea what’s going on here.

Swan by Naomi Campbell

Naomi Campbell attends the 70th Anniversary screening premiere for at the 70th Festival de Cannes.
Shutterstock

Tyra Banks isn’t the only model to dive into the world of fiction. Naomi Campbell wrote her own work of fiction back in 1994, sort of. She apparently recorded thoughts on tape and sent them to a ghostwriter, who cobbled it all together. In it, Swan is the world’s most successful supermodel, but she’s ready to retire at the ripe old age of 26. The search is on for a replacement for a cosmetics campaign, and there are five aspiring models on the shortlist.

Viking by Fabio

Maybe Fabio spent too much time modeling for romance novel covers – because he got it in his head he should write one, too. It centers on a stunningly handsome actor who can’t stand that his girlfriend won’t give up her career to fulfill his dreams. How rude! So he dumps her, and finds himself magically transported back in time to the days of Vikings, where he basically kidnaps a new girlfriend. And then he introduces a healthier, L.A.-style diet to his new Viking buddies.

Selfish by Kim Kardashian

Kim Kardashian at a public event
Shutterstock

Yep, Kim Kardashian is also an author. I mean, I’m not entirely sure I can classify this go as “writing” a book, but Kim K is the author, so here we are. The aptly titled Selfish is just a book filled with all of Kim’s best and most favorite selfies. At least the pics have some dull commentary to go with them. That’s writing, right?

Dollhouse: A Novel by Kourtney, Kim, and Khloe Kardashian

Before Kim K dropped that brilliant selfie collection on us, she penned a book with a couple of her sisters. Kourtney and Khloe joined her to co-author Dollhouse. It’s the story of three sisters – Kamille, Kassidy, and Kyle – as they navigate newly-acquired fame. In case you were wondering, the Kardashian sisters based it on their own lives, but with added “crazy fictional twists and turns.” The “crazy” part is that the book was written if you ask me.

Rebels: City of Indra by Kylie and Kendall Jenner

Kendall and Kylie Jenner
Shutterstock

Did you think the Kardashian/Jenner clan was done? Younger sisters Kylie and Kendall followed in their sisters’ footsteps and tried their hand at writing. It went just about as well, too. Rebels: City of Indra is a dystopian sci-fi story about the great city of Indra. There’s a beautiful paradise of elites high in the sky, and a world of devastating poverty living below. Perhaps they weren’t the right ones to try and shine a light on disparity with a story of haves and have-nots.

The Truth About Diamonds by Nicole Richie

Nicole Richie at the Who What Wear 10th Anniversary
Shutterstock

Nicole Richie took a deep dive into her creativity to write this work of fiction. This novel features the sensational story of a woman who was adopted by a music superstar and is now a card-carrying socialite who parties with Hollywood’s biggest names. She’s betrayed by her socialite bestie, has a stint in rehab, and eventually achieves stardom in her own right. While this might sound like Nicole Richie’s autobiography, it’s actually about a character named Chloe Parker. Sure thing. Very creative.

A Shore Thing by Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi

Snooki blowing a kiss on the red carpet
Shutterstock

I’m sure that everyone was anxiously awaiting the day Snooki wrote a book. I mean, there’s nothing like the sloppy hijinks of MTV’s Jersey Shore to inspire a best-selling fiction novel. In A Shore Thing, Gia (aka Snooki’s alter-ego) and her cousin are hitting the Shore for the ultimate summer, looking for some sexy fun in the sun. If I’m being honest, it reads like it was written by a middle schooler. Snooki has admitted she doesn’t read much – but with a masterpiece like this under her belt, why would she need to read anything else?

Here’s the Situation: A Guide to Creeping on Chicks, Avoiding Grenades, and Getting in Your GTL on the Jersey Shore by Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino

Of course, Snooki isn’t the only Jersey Shore star to pen a novel. Just take a glance at that title! It’s full of serious wisdom, like a primer on wingmen and grenades for all those nights at “da club,” how to deal with all levels of clinger, and getting in your GTL. I think there’s something about lasagna in here, too. It will not instruct you on how to keep your shirt down.

Celebrity Sex Tape: In the Making by Farrah Abraham

We all knew that Farrah Abraham was special, ever since her early days on 16 and Pregnant and Teen Mom. Luckily, she’s willing to do just about anything to stay in the spotlight. Any spotlight. If you’re not into her Christian parenting book she was planning on writing (I’m serious), why not give her “erotic” fiction a go? It’s a doozy, but not really in the way you want it to be. And if you just can’t look away from this train wreck, In the Making is just the first of a trilogy!

If I Did It by O.J. Simpson

O.J. Simpson
Shutterstock

O.J. Simpson says he didn’t do it, but he wrote a theoretical account of how he would have murdered Nicole Brown and Ron Goldman… if he did it. As you can imagine, the victims’ families were appalled and the media had a field day. The book was actually pulled before official publication, and the publisher got fired for letting this book get (almost) published.