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Sorting ‘Futurama’ Characters into Their Hogwarts Houses

Did you ever wonder what would happen if the cast of ‘Futurama’ traveled through a wormhole and ended up at Hogwarts? Let’s fire up the What If Machine and see what happens!
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With the good news that Futurama is being wheeled out of the cryogenic freezer again for a new season on Hulu, it got me thinking about the show. And since there’s nothing we like better than sorting characters into Hogwarts houses, I had to wonder what would happen if the Planet Express crew went to wizard school.

Of course, considering that owls are considered to be vermin in the world of Futurama, they might not get their Hogwarts letters… Just a quick reminder that Gryffindors are brave, Slytherins are cunning, Ravenclaws are clever, and Hufflepuffs are hardworking. Now let’s get sorting!

Scruffy – Squib

Scruffy the Janitor makes a handful of minor but memorable appearances in Futurama, and it was too funny not to include him in this list. He’d obviously be a Squib—a non-magic person born to a Wizarding family—just like Hogwarts’ janitor Filch. However, he’d be too laidback (read: lazy) to torment the students or get mixed up with any of the plots and capers that plague the castle.

Amy Wong – Ravenclaw

Amy Wong
20th Century Fox

Amy might be a klutz from Mars, but she’s secretly very smart. The Sorting Hat would send her to Ravenclaw with a quickness. Hopefully, she would find more confidence there. She’d still be a social butterfly regardless of her academic standing, and the only time Amy ever gets in trouble is when she tries to turn her robes into a cute crop top and skirt set.

Coming from a prominent and wealthy Wizarding family, there’s a lot of pressure on Amy to do well at Hogwarts. She’d study hard and do best at Charms—just don’t drink one of her potions unless you want a random magical effect. She would also study the languages of magical creatures and master multiple different dialects. After Hogwarts, she’d end up taking over the family business and get married to Kif.

Hermes Conrad – Ravenclaw

Everybody’s favorite Jamaican accountant would have a great time at Hogwarts. He’d get to geek out over Arithmancy, play Gobstones with the other nerds, and maybe even invent some kind of magical limbo competition—maybe it’s played on broomsticks? In any case, he’d be sorted into Ravenclaw with the rest of the smartypants.

While attending Hogwarts, Hermes would study hard and earn high marks in all of his O.W.L.s and later his N.E.W.T.s. After working a job at the Ministry of Magic for a few years, he’d climb the ranks as a bureaucrat. Eventually, he would be promoted to the Ministry of Secrets and have a grand old time sorting and cataloging prophecies.  

Read More: Sorting ‘Star Wars’ Characters Into Their Hogwarts Houses

Nibbler – Gryffindor

Leela’s companion isn’t just an adorable animal that poops dark matter spaceship fuel. Although Lord Nibbler is very smart, his main quality is bravery. After all, he sets out alone on a mission to save his people, the Nibblonians. Plus, all you’d have to do is add a cute little lion to his adorable red cape and he’d be decked out in Gryffindor colors.  

After attending Hogwarts as an exchange student, Nibbler would return to his homeworld. Or maybe he’d just stick around the Wizarding world for all the snacks.

Mom – Slytherin

Mom from Futurama
20th Century Fox

Futurama‘s recurring villain Mom—of Mom’s Friendly Robot Company—is a Slytherin through and through. She and Professor Farnsworth have a fling while they’re at school together, setting up the bitter rivalry between them for decades to come.

At school, Mom would be obsessed with learning more and more powerful magic. She’d definitely be the type to research Horcruxes—but she’d convince someone else to try it first so she could study what happens. Eventually, Mom uses her secret dark magic and considerable political influence to establish a strong political power base. But you know that this witch would turn outright evil eventually. She’s got Big Grindelwald Energy for days.

Dr. Zoidberg – Hufflepuff

Zoidberg
20th Century Fox

Is there anyone more loyal than Dr. John Zoidberg in the Futurama universe? Zoidberg is a bit hopeless, but his heart is in the right place. He’d muddle through a few years at Hogwarts—and he’d never get over the novelty of getting free food at every meal. Despite accidentally snapping no less than three wands in half by accident, he would eventually graduate from Hogwarts.

Zoidberg would try very hard to get a job at St. Mungo’s Hospital for Magical Maladies, but honestly, I don’t think they’d take him. He’d end up being a healer for a back-alley magical enhancement clinic and escape a prison sentence by the skin of his… mandibles?

Professor Farnsworth – Slytherin

Professor Farnsworth
20th Century Fox

While you might think that a brainiac like Professor Farnsworth would be a shoo-in for Ravenclaw, I have… concerns about his moral compass. Farnsworth is ambitious, competitive, and not above manipulating other people to achieve his goals. In his (much, much) younger days, I could imagine him being a Slytherin student.

At school, young Hubert Farnsworth would have spent a lot of time in the library—and exploring forbidden and forgotten places in Hogwarts Castle. If his research doesn’t land him in Azkaban, he’d probably be a traveling lecturer in an arcane magical discipline like “quantum arithmancy.” It’d all be a scam to get tenure, of course, and access to lab assistants who share his blood type.

Read More: Sorting ‘Legend of Korra’ Characters at Hogwarts

Zapp Brannigan – Gryffindor

Zapp Brannigan represents the worst stereotypes of Gryffindor house. He’s brash, reckless, and overconfident to the point of insanity. Zapp would not be popular at Hogwarts, and every witch at the school would reject him at least once. He would lead Gryffindor’s Quidditch team to their worst defeat ever.

Zapp would try to be like his idol, Gilderoy Lockhart, and even attempt to become a globe-trotting hunter of magical creatures. And since this is my fan-fic and I can do what I want, he definitely gets mobbed by Cornish Pixies who steal his girdle, and the whole thing ends up on the Wizarding equivalent of YouTube. Disgraced, he would get a job cleaning up owl pellets at the London Owl Post office.

Kif Kroker – Ravenclaw

Kif Kroker
20th Century Fox

Poor Kif. Doomed to play second fiddle to Zapp Brannigan, you might think he would be a Hufflepuff thanks to his loyalty. However, Kif’s cleverness would land him a spot in Ravenclaw, where he’d meet his future sweetheart, Amy.

Given the chance to thrive away from Zapp’s overbearing presence, Kif would be a much happier wizard. Kif wouldn’t play Quidditch himself, but he’d be there to cheer on Amy for every game. He’d do well with History of Magic, Muggle Studies, and Herbology. He’d eventually use his skills to get a job working with the Ministry of Magic. He and Amy get married, and although her family is ridiculously wealthy, Kif insists on keeping his job and paying his share.

Bender Bending Rodriguez – Gryffindor

We’ve already seen what happens when Bender goes to college—he causes a ton of chaos. He would bring the same chaotic energy to Hogwarts (if they admitted robots, that is.) Bender would absolutely destroy the Gryffindor common room and lose his house more points than any other student in history. Even the Weasley Twins would be like, “That guy could tone it down a bit, yeah?”

His favorite class would be Transfiguration because of its potential for bending applications. He’d get kicked out in his fifth year for brewing high-octane moonshine in Moaning Myrtle’s toilet. After that, he’d bum around the Wizarding world for a while, getting into trouble. He’d eventually write a bestselling tell-all memoir about his life, which would make his over-inflated ego even bigger.

Turanga Leela – Gryffindor

Leela
20th Century Fox

In the world of Futurama, Leela is a human mutant who believes that she’s an alien. But in the Harry Potter universe, I think she’d be a half-giant like Hagrid and Madame Maxime. The prejudice against giants is similar to that against mutants, and she’d have to hide her background.

Leela is brave and a natural leader. She’d fit right in with the rest of the Gryffindors. She’s also got a powerful temper, which would make her an excellent Beater for the Quidditch team. Leela would be an average student, but her best subject would be Care of Magical Creatures. She’s got a real soft spot for animals. After graduating, Leela would travel the world studying magical creatures, not unlike Newt Scamander.

Philip J. Fry – Hufflepuff

Fry from Futurama
20th Century Fox

I debated about turning Fry into a Muggle, but I ultimately felt like things were tough enough for him already. Instead, he’d be Muggle-born and totally clueless about the Wizarding world. In fact, he’d be a terrible wizard. We’re talking “Neville before he got his own wand and had a glow-up” bad. Fry would always be on the edge of flunking out, only scraping by through a combination of dumb luck and help from his friends.

During his time at Hogwarts, he would be utterly delighted by getting to fly on a broomstick and shocked every time one of his spells actually worked. He’d take advantage of the Hufflepuff common room’s proximity to the kitchens. Fry’s best chance at getting a magical job would be working as a conductor on the Knight Bus alongside Stan Shunpike.