Whether or not Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. is canon to the MCU or not – can we all agree it just takes place in a different universe? – I can’t stop thinking about the show and its characters. I also can’t stop thinking about Harry Potter, so why don’t I just sort them into Hogwarts houses? I’ll be sorting the agents from Coulson’s team, as well as some of the main antagonists, into their houses. I’ll also describe their lives in the wizarding world. And trust me, there will be a few characters in houses you weren’t expecting.
For those that need a Hogwarts refresher: Gryffindors are brave and reckless, and Hufflepuffs are loyal and hard-working. Ravenclaws are wise and creative, while Slytherins are sly and ambitious. Let’s get to the Sorting Ceremony!
Glenn Talbot: Gryffindor
For some reason, every time this actor plays a character, he’s a Gryffindor. I think he’s been typecast, but that’s not a bad thing. Glenn Talbot is a Gryffindor, and that’s why he sticks so close to the rules for most of the show. Up until he gets powers – then it’s all recklessness, all the time.
If Glenn went to Hogwarts, he’d do well in all of his classes but would prefer Potions because it’s a strict subject. He’d also be a Chaser for the Gryffindor Quidditch team. After Hogwarts, Glenn would become an Auror. However, he’d become obsessed with the Elder Wand and would die trying to gain its power.
In the same season that Talbot got his powers, we were introduced to my favorite antagonist, Ruby. She was raised by Slytherins to have big ambitions and value her worth above all else. She eventually became so obsessed with winning that it eclipses everything else in her life.
Ruby would excel in Charms at Hogwarts – only because she likes hexing people, and it’s the closest you can get to a class on that. She’d be the Seeker for the Slytherin team starting in her fourth year. After Hogwarts, she’d work her way up the ranks in the Ministry because she wants to be Minister one day.
Despite whatever face he wore in his season of AOS, Hive was always a Slytherin. He managed to lie just enough to make people believe in him just to kill them. Hive wanted to conquer the world, and he would stop at nothing to get it.
If Hive went to Hogwarts, he’d be the top student in History of Magic. Hive would also be the Keeper for the Slytherin team. In addition to his academic feats, Hive would be naturally talented in Occlumency. Hive would start a cult in the Wizarding World after leaving Hogwarts.
I love Raina’s arc, and I think she was a beautifully written Slytherin. She was cunning enough to make it out unscathed until the moment she stopped watching her back. I can’t imagine any other house than Slytherin for Raina.
Raina’s best class at Hogwarts would be Divination – yes, that’s a poke at her Inhuman powers. In addition, she’d also be a Chaser for the Slytherin team during her second through fourth years before quitting. After Hogwarts, she’d be an Unspeakable at the Ministry.
Aida is technically a robot, but she was also a very powerful antagonist while she was in the show. Though she was created to be human-like, she was very analytical. Maybe I’m cheating, but I’d say she’s a Ravenclaw because of that.
At Hogwarts, Aida would be the top student in all of her classes every year. She’d be Prefect her fifth and sixth years and Head Girl her seventh. She wouldn’t be on the Quidditch team, nor would she watch the games. After Hogwarts, Aida would join the Wizengamot.
I will never forgive AOS for this man’s death, which is why I’m including him in this Sorting Ceremony. Tripp always radiated Hufflepuff sunshine energy. He was always loyal to those that showed he could trust them. Tripp had to go into Hufflepuff.
Tripp’s best class at Hogwarts would be Care of Magical Creatures; he loves being surrounded by them. He’d also be a Chaser on the Hufflepuff team. After Hogwarts, Tripp would join a professional Quidditch league.
Deke Shaw: Ravenclaw
Deke takes after one of his grandparents (I’ll get to them later) in that he’s a Ravenclaw. Yeah, he can be cowardly, but first and foremost, he’s very creative. He comes up with the most dumbfounding plans – and they work because he trusts his brain. That’s a Ravenclaw thing.
If Deke went to Hogwarts, he’d pass his classes with the lowest possible marks to get by. He also wouldn’t play Quidditch – he spends more of his time exploring the castle. Deke would eventually become a famous author in the Muggle world, selling Wizarding tales as fiction.
Lincoln Campbell: Gryffindor
This man hurts my heart because only a Gryffindor would sacrifice himself as Lincoln did. Lincoln was very obviously a Gryffindor from the moment he met Daisy. He constantly put himself in danger to protect innocent people, going so far as to lay down his life.
Lincoln would do well in Transfiguration and Charms at Hogwarts. He’d also be the Keeper on the Gryffindor team starting in his fifth year. Lincoln would meet Daisy at school, and they’d date for a while. After Hogwarts, he would become a Cursebreaker at Gringotts.
Lance Hunter: Hufflepuff
So many people would probably put Lance in Gryffindor because he’s so passionate and reckless sometimes, but I think we need to look a little deeper. He’s passionate and reckless only when it concerns his loved ones. Lance only stayed on the team to keep Bobbi safe. So, he’s a Hufflepuff.
If Lance went to school, he’d excel in Transfiguration. He’d join the Quidditch team just to prove he’s a better flyer than Bobbi – he was wrong – starting in his third year. After Hogwarts, Lance would become an Auror before being relegated to desk duty in the Ministry.
Bobbi Morse: Gryffindor
When spies are this good at their job, it makes it hard to place them in either Slytherin or Gryffindor. But looking into Bobbi’s motivations throughout the series, it’s clear she cares more about being brave and doing the right thing than her personal ambitions. So, Bobbi’s a Gryffindor.
Bobbi would excel in all of her classes except Divination. In addition to her academic success, she’d be Gryffindor’s Seeker in her third through seventh years. After Hogwarts, Bobbi would join a professional Quidditch team before marrying Lance in her early twenties.
Yo-Yo Rodriguez: Gryffindor
When Yo-Yo first entered the picture, I was sure she was a Slytherin. But as she joined the team and proved her worth to them, I realized I had judged too quickly. She cares about doing the right thing, even if what she thinks is right isn’t. So, into Gryffindor she goes.
Yo-Yo would do well in Defense Against the Dark Arts – she’s the quickest to draw her wand against an adversary. She’d also be a Chaser on the Quidditch team. Yo-Yo would try to be an Auror for a few years after Hogwarts but would eventually switch careers to be a Cursebreaker.
I love Mack, but he’s reckless when he cares about someone in danger. And while that could’ve put him in Hufflepuff, he just doesn’t seem to fit. Mack is more about doing the right thing than following his friends’ leads, so Mack is a Gryffindor.
At Hogwarts, Mack would excel in Care of Magical Creatures – something about him just says animal person. He’d also be a Beater for the Gryffindor team. After Hogwarts, he’d become an Auror; in fact, he’d become Chief Auror after marrying Yo-Yo.
Grant Ward: Slytherin
Grant managed to trick all of S.H.I.E.L.D. into thinking he was one of the best spies on their side. I still can’t believe I didn’t see it coming. The man was so cunning and had such high ambitions for his mission that I couldn’t imagine him being anything but Slytherin.
Grant would do well in nearly all of his classes, but he’d excel in Transfiguration. He’d master becoming an Animagus in his seventh year (he’s a Labrador Retriever) and would be the Seeker in his fourth through sixth years. After Hogwarts, he’d become a criminal and would be killed by Daisy in battle.
Jemma Simmons: Ravenclaw
There’s no doubt in my mind that Jemma Simmons is a Ravenclaw. I’ve seen some say she’s a Slytherin, but she’s not cunning or sly in any way. The girl can’t lie. But you know what she can do? Come up with the most creative solutions while still being so analytical she gets tunnel-visioned. That is a Ravenclaw.
If Jemma went to Hogwarts, she’d be the top student in Potions and Herbology. She wouldn’t be on the Quidditch team, but she’d be the loudest in the crowd every match. After Hogwarts, Jemma would be a well-sought Healer, eventually settling at St. Mungos. And yes, she’d marry Fitz eventually.
Leo Fitz: Hufflepuff
While the other scientist on the team is a Ravenclaw, Fitz is a Hufflepuff. Yes, he’s intelligent and a bit creative in his inventions, but his loyalty to Simmons is the only reason he’s on Coulson’s team. I honestly don’t think he’d feel at home in any other Hogwarts house.
Fitz would be one of the top students in most classes, only bested by Simmons in Potions and Herbology. He’d sit by her every Quidditch match, admiring how passionate she is for the sport. He’d become an inventor and marry Simmons after Hogwarts.
Melinda May: Gryffindor
I went back and forth on Gryffindor or Slytherin for May, but I think her motivations lie more in Gryffindor’s line of thinking. While she does have some Slytherin tendencies, I think they’re only there because she’s such a good spy. But first and foremost, she is a Gryffindor.
Melinda’s best class would be Defense Against the Dark Arts. She’d be a Chaser for the Gryffindor team, with possible dreams of becoming a professional player. However, after Hogwarts, she’d become an Auror for several years before retiring to be a Defense Against the Dark Arts professor.
Phil Coulson: Hufflepuff
I know this is a tough thing to hear, but Phil Coulson is not a Gryffindor. Yes, he’s brave, but that’s not what pushes him to do his best. Coulson’s primary motivation, even as an LMD, was to protect his team. So, because loyalty motivates him more than being seen as brave, he’s a Hufflepuff.
If Phil went to Hogwarts, he’d excel in Charms and Divination. He’d also be a natural at Legilimency. Phil wouldn’t be on the Quidditch team, but there’s no bigger fan than him and Simmons. After Hogwarts, he’d become an Auror, eventually becoming Chief before retiring and giving the position to Mack.
Daisy Johnson: Gryffindor
If there’s any character that is clearly a Gryffindor from the moment she appears on screen, it’s Daisy. Even before she got powers, she was running into combat without regard for her own safety. After her powers, she was the one who always went first through the door. There’s no doubt in my mind she’s a Gryffindor.
Daisy’s best classes would have been Muggle Studies and Defense Against the Dark Arts. She’d also be a Beater on the Gryffindor Quidditch team. After Hogwarts, Daisy would follow in Coulson’s footsteps and become an Auror. However, she’d soon leave to become a bounty hunter and travel the world.