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Criminal Minds has been one of my favorite crime shows for years. I sorted all of the Behavioral Analysis Unit’s profilers from all 15 seasons, plus my three favorite antagonists, and I talked about their lives after leaving Hogwarts. While it was a bit difficult to sort a few of the profilers, it was extremely easy to sort the three “unsubs.” Before I get started, let me just say, I hope the revival series is just as good as the original. And spoiler warning in case you haven’t gotten through the show yet.
To refresh everybody: Gryffindors are brave and passionate, Slytherins are cunning and ambitious, Ravenclaws are creative and wise, and Hufflepuffs are loyal and hard-working.
More commonly known as The Reaper by Criminal Minds fans, George Foyet is one of the most cunning bad guys from the show. During his first run as The Reaper, which happened years before the timeline of the show, Foyet stabbed himself over 70 times to get people to think he was a victim. and not the killer That sounds like a Slytherin going down the wrong path if I’ve ever heard one.
While at school, Foyet’s best classes would’ve been Transfiguration and Potions. He also would have mastered becoming an Animagus young to sneak around the castle undetected (he’s a rat). Foyet would have been a Beater for his house’s team starting in his third year. After Hogwarts, he’d go on a killing spree and be sent to Azkaban within five years.
Mark Hamill played a scorned agent who took the years he worked back up the ladder to plot his revenge against two fellow agents. For years, John Curtis hid his true intentions, acting like the perfect agent after a case gone horribly wrong. Of course, he was only waiting for the right moment to strike…
Curtis’s best class would be Arithmancy because it’s very detail-oriented. While at Hogwarts, he’d also be the Keeper for his house’s team. For some reason, I can also see him and Foyet having a friendly rivalry. After Hogwarts, he’d become an Auror but would be sent to desk duty after letting Foyet get away because of their friendship.
It’s fitting that the unsub who was always one step ahead of Dr. Spencer Reid would be in Ravenclaw. Before meeting him for the first time, she learned everything she could about him and his team. She’s creative and witty, meaning her schemes are always a treat to watch.
At Hogwarts, Cat’s best class would be Divination. She would also get high marks on her O.W.L.s and N.E.W.T.s. Cat would also be the Seeker for her house’s team during her last two years; she was a Chaser before that. After Hogwarts, she’d work closely with the Minister of Magic as an executive assistant.
Even though Stephen Walker spent very little time on the show, I got enough of a read on him to sort him into Hufflepuff. He was a hard worker and helped on one of the most challenging cases with the BAU that eventually got him killed.
Stephen’s best subjects would be Defense Against the Dark Arts and Care of Magical Creatures. I also think he’d be the Keeper for his house’s team for his last three years at Hogwarts. After finishing school, Stephen would become a Curse Breaker.
After Alex Blake left, Kate joined the profilers, and it was like an entirely different team because of it. She constantly put the needs of others above her own, especially when it came to her niece. The only reason she joined the BAU was to keep her niece safe and in one place.
At Hogwarts, Kate would excel in Charms and Transfiguration, but she’d despise Quidditch. After Hogwarts, she’d be an Auror before gaining custody of her niece. Soon after, she’d work a desk job at the Ministry and master becoming an Animagus (a Collie) to entertain her family on her days off.
In the short time Elle was on the show, she showed almost all of the typical Slytherin traits, from cunning to determination to ambition. What sets her apart from Slytherins above her on this list is that her ambitions usually aligned with the “good” side. That said, she did some sneaky things while driven by the revenge that caused her to lose her job at the BAU.
While at Hogwarts, Elle would have done fantastic in Defense Against the Dark Arts. She’d also be a Beater for the Slytherin team for a few years before taking time off to focus on her studies in her sixth and seventh years. After school, she’d become an Auror for several years before transferring to a Ministry desk job.
See related: Sorting ‘Cobra Kai’ Characters into Their Hogwarts Houses
What initially drove Seaver was bringing her father’s killer to justice. But as time went on, her passion for vengeance morphed into helping others get their revenge. I flipped back and forth between Hufflepuff and Gryffindor before settling on the latter because of her passion.
Ashley would be a Defense Against the Dark Arts prodigy, Seeker for the Gryffindor team for most of her school years, and Head Girl. After Hogwarts, she would have flown through the ranks as an Auror in Europe before deciding to transfer across the world to work in American wizarding law enforcement.
Honestly, I barely remember Alex on the show (but I did watch a few episodes to remind myself of her). She was a linguistics expert, which I feel like only a Ravenclaw would be interested in. Because of that and her banter with the team, she would fit perfectly in Ravenclaw.
At Hogwarts, Alex would excel in all of her classes, but Arithmancy is her best. She’d also play Wizard’s Chess against Jason Gideon whenever she had the time. Soon after finishing school, Alex would quickly be snatched up to work in the Department of Magical Education.
Though he wasn’t on Criminal Minds long, I was able to get more of a read on him through Beyond Borders. Matt was hard-working and wouldn’t rest until every case had been solved. He even worked fast, sometimes faster than Dr. Spencer Reid. That’s why I had to put him in Gryffindor.
Matt’s best classes would be Flying and Potions. When not working on schoolwork, he’s on the Quidditch pitch as Gryffindor’s Keeper his third through seventh years. When he was done with school, he’d become an Auror, traveling around the world hunting down dark wizards.
Though most people would put her in Ravenclaw because she’s witty, intelligent, and wise, Tara’s drive comes from her ambitions. That’s why I had to put her in Slytherin after much thought. Tara never let anyone stop her from doing what she wanted, not even her fiancé.
While in school, Tara would excel in all of her classes except Divination. She also wouldn’t be on the Quidditch team, but she’d support her house every match. After Hogwarts, she’d be an Alchemist and closely work with the Ministry of Magic.
Luke could have a temper, but that’s only because he was passionate about his job and protecting people. While he has some Hufflepuff traits, his willingness to run headfirst into danger made me sort him into Gryffindor.
Luke’s best class is, without a doubt, Defense Against the Dark Arts, but he prefers going to Charms and Flying. He’d be one of Gryffindor’s best Chasers ever and would be Prefect his sixth year. After Hogwarts, there’s no doubt he’d be an Auror who goes after the really dangerous wizards and witches.
Jason Gideon loves learning new things, playing chess against himself, and coming up with creative answers to complex problems. There’s no doubt in my mind Jason Gideon would be sorted into Ravenclaw seconds after the Sorting Hat touched his head.
At Hogwarts, Gideon’s best classes would be Transfiguration and Charms. Even though he’s not a Quidditch player or watcher, he plays Wizard’s Chess to fill his free time. He’s also become an Animagus (a raven) just to prove to himself he could. After school, he’d become a professor because the Auror lifestyle just isn’t for him.
Is there any other house Aaron Hotchner could be sorted into? While he was loyal to his family and friends, I don’t think that’s what mainly drives him. From his time on the show, he seemed more driven by his passion for helping others and rounding up the bad guys. He honestly reminds me of Mad-Eye Moody (just with two eyeballs).
Hotch’s best class would be Defense Against the Dark Arts. He’d also be a Chaser for the Gryffindor team but would take time away to focus on his studies during his seventh year. After Hogwarts, he’d become an Auror, later rising to the rank of Captain.
Derek’s passion for his job and temper made me immediately think of sorting him into Gryffindor–which of course, I did. But I did consider Hufflepuff for a minute because of his loyalty to his team, especially Penelope. But that’s not fitting for his personality, so Gryffindor he goes.
At Hogwarts, Derek would have done well enough in most of his classes, but Flying class has his heart. Something about the adrenaline rush of flying makes him happy. That’s why he’d also be the Seeker for his house starting in his third year. After Hogwarts, he’d be one of the best Aurors the Ministry has ever seen.
Penelope is one of the most smiley characters in the entire franchise. Even when going through traumatizing events, she’s there for her friends. I mean, seriously, just look at that face and tell me she doesn’t radiate Hufflepuff energy.
Penelope’s best subject is Muggle Studies because she has already lived in the Muggle world for most of her life. While she doesn’t play Quidditch herself, she’s supporting every house at every match. After Hogwarts, she’d be a Magizoologist because she loves animals of all kinds.
See related: Sorting ‘Buffy’ Characters into Their Hogwarts Houses
I flip-flopped back and forth between Gryffindor and Hufflepuff because some of her key traits are present in both houses. But I settled on Hufflepuff because her drive comes more from her loyalty to the team and her family. JJ even hid her best friend’s whereabouts to keep her safe, even though it hurt her to keep secrets.
JJ’s best class would be Charms and Care of Magical Creatures. After watching from the stands for years, she’d also join the Quidditch team as a Chaser her fifth year. Once JJ finished school, she’d travel the world for a few years before working at The Daily Prophet. Her beat would be reporting what wizards and witches were recently caught by the Aurors.
I might have sorted Emily into Gryffindor if we hadn’t gotten more of her backstory with Ian Doyle. But as we can see from her undercover days, she’s exceptionally cunning, which immediately pointed her to Slytherin. Emily also has ambitions to be as great as her mother, and nothing will stop her from achieving that.
At Hogwarts, Emily would excel in Defense Against the Dark Arts and Transfiguration. She’d also master becoming an Animagus (she’d be a tortoiseshell cat) and would be the first in her class to create a corporeal Patronus. After Hogwarts, she’d follow in her mother’s footsteps in becoming an Auror.
For many of the same reasons as Emily, David Rossi had to be put in Slytherin. He is extremely focused on his goals, even going so far as to quit profiling to write full-time. He’s also very manipulative, which comes in handy in his line of work. Sounds like a Slytherin to me.
While in school, Rossi’s best class would be Charms and Potions. He’d also play Quidditch as the Keeper for his house but wouldn’t play after leaving school. Speaking of leaving school, there’s no doubt in my mind he’d skip law enforcement and go straight to one of the most-loved authors of the wizarding world. Think Gilderoy Lockhart but less sneaky.
Finally, we’ve gotten to my favorite character from Criminal Minds. He was the easiest to sort of allthe profilers. He’s wise, intelligent, creative, and witty. His drive comes more from learning than putting bad people behind bars. That’s precisely why he’s a Ravenclaw.
Spencer would be the top student in all subjects. He’d get a Time-Turner to take all possible classes each year just because the headmaster and professors trust him. While Spencer’s not a Quidditch player, he’s one of the library’s most frequent patrons. After Hogwarts, he’d be a professor before becoming a traveling author.
